I close my eyes and take a deep breath in. I slowly exhale, almost waiting for the weight on my shoulders to ease. To drop. I’ve been feeling so tense lately. My shoulders are stiff and sensitive. The slightest touch of my shoulder blades leaves me wincing in pain.
And the worst thing about all this is that I caused it. I am doing this to myself. I am abusing my body and treating myself so rough. How could I cause my own self so much pain?
The constant feeling of being on edge. Never feeling calm or relaxed when I’m out. Being afraid. Afraid that something bad is going to happen. The constant negative thoughts. I still can’t believe, I did this to myself.
I’m too afraid to go out by myself too. To the supermarket, the corner shop, even the post office. I somehow manage to drag myself into work everyday and pretend that everything’s ok. Hoping that by pretending, I will convince others I’m ok..But more importantly fool myself into thinking I’m ok. I still can’t believe I did this to myself. And I can’t believe that I can’t go out by myself.
Part of me feels like I’m being punished. For my sins? For being independent. For challenging those higher up in the hierarchy at work. For not caring about what others think and having faith in myself, and just getting on with my life.
Except now I somehow can’t stop caring about what others think. So much so, that I find myself getting paralysed with fear carrying certain day to day tasks. I’ve lost faith in myself and my ability. I no longer challenge authority at work. I mind my own business and do what I’m told. I no longer give my opinion…. cos let’s face it, surely that is what got me into this state in the first place?
©️ BijM01, October 2018
Normal is not real 