One thing I have learnt over the past few weeks, is that I am the queen of running away. Looking back at my life, even when I was only 12 years old, I recall that I ran away when situations were too difficult to deal with. At that age however, I don’t think that I knowingly realised that I was taking the easy option by running away.
Recently however I have realised in addition to running away from situations and people, I have somehow began to run away from myself. From my own emotions and feelings. Because they have become too difficult for me to deal with. It’s almost a refusal on my part to accept that I am feeling a certain way; sad, fearful, vulnerable.
It all makes sense now. My anxiety has been brought on by me failing to accept my own emotions. Instead of dealing with them, I’ve been pushing them away and avoiding them. Of course, eventually you get to a point where you can no longer push them away and the emotions explode out in the way steam pours out from a pressure cooker!
Now, it all seems clear, I’ve been doing this for years! Adding my emotions to a bubbling pressure cooker. I should’ve know that sooner or later the pressure had to be released in some way.
The funny thing is that I never really dealt with my emotions as I always felt that I had to be the strong, sensible one. The one who held it all together, showing no fears or vulnerability. Clearly the only person I was kidding was myself. Especially seeing as all I’ve done is make my loved ones worry about me, which is the exact opposite of what I’ve always tried to do.
So from now on I’m trying a new tact. To stop and embrace my feelings and emotions. Accept them. If I’m afraid or sad, that’s ok. If I’m feeling vulnerable, that’s ok too. Accept the feeling and move on, and live my life by facing my fears and insecurities. If I accept my own feelings and emotions, everyone else will too.
Goodbye and good riddance to running away!
©️ BijM01, October 2018
Normal is not real 