I want

This is such a difficult phase in my life. I cannot explain how much I struggle on a day to day basis.

To get up and go to work. To sit on my chair at work trying to relax, when all I can think of is how tense I am sitting there. Pretending that everything is ok.

Getting up to go to the kitchen and toilet, worrying I may feel uneasy or stumble. A hundred “What ifs” pass through my head on these simple tasks. I finally pull myself together, convince myself I’ll be ok and cautiously carry out these tasks.

I still haven’t figured out what is stopping me. What am I scared of? Is it falling? Or making a fool of myself around other people? Why am I so worried about other people anyway?

I just want to live my life and not have this constant worry and tension. I want to be able to go out on my own. I want to have confidence in me. I don’t want to have to look to the floor when I walk.

I want to enjoy the moment…. to live in the moment. To not have foggy brain syndrome in the outside world, to not feel unstable and disorientated. To feel relaxed in my own skin and for tension to be non-existent.

I want to be able to live my life.

©️BijM01, February 2019